Gracie is 4 years old today. I'm having a hard time believing that the tiny preemie I brought home 4 yrs ago is so tall, with such long pretty blonde hair. I don't feel like I can possibly have a preschooler but here we are 4 yrs later.
Today has had so many mixed emotions, this isn't how I planned. Part of me mourns that I'm not going to throw her a Princess Party with her friends, where we wear sparkling crowns, sip tea, and make up our pretty princess names.
The truth is that Gracie has no idea it's her birthday and has no concept of her age. She has no idea that tonight we were celebrating her. She just knew she likes pizza, and cake. She did love our guests her older brothers, their mother (her "Aunt" Tamra) and her brother's girlfriend. Gracie spent the evening in her diaper and pj shirt, and we gave her playdough as a gift as it fills her sensory needs.
But we did have a good evening Gracie loved the dinner and her favorite people were with her. In the end it's me who mourns over what Gracie might have been, she's happy just to be here.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
First Day of School
I took her in to her class with huge smiles, then I got out to my car and sobbed like a baby. My baby is taking her first steps of independence and it's bittersweet. I hope she learns the skills I failed to teach her and learns from both the teachers and other children.
Most of all I can't wait until 3 pm when I can go and pick her up.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Fly Away Movie Review
I recently saw a movie that was so honest about the struggles of low functioning Autism it made me cry. I found Fly Away on Netflix instant streaming. It's the story of a single mother and her struggles to raise her low functioning Autistic daughter. I loved how it didn't flinch about the meltdowns, and the exhaustion of having a child with big limitations. It also showed how Autism contributed to the end of her marriage.
But at the same time it also showed how much she loves her daughter and the small moments that the parents of Autistic children live for. It showed that under all the Autism she was a girl who loves her parents, ice cream, and her stuffed lamb.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sick Kids!
Gracie woke up yesterday running a fever and acting lethargic and my heart sank. Having a sick kid is hard, but having a sick Autistic kid is even harder. I have no idea if anything hurts, I'm not even sure she knows as I suspect Gracie is hyposenstive to pain. It could be an ear infection or just an average virus. Of course the worst ran through my head. I suspected strep throat, ear infections, even UTIs. All the common aliments that my friends complain about.
I feel bad because Gracie is almost never sick, In fact she's the second healthiest kid I know beat only by her sister. I almost don't know how to care for a sick child since my own children are so rarely sick. I didn't remember how often to push fluids or if you take a child's temperature under their arm if you add a degree or subtract one.
I called the nurse praying that I didn't have to take her in. Going to the doctor is a very traumatic experience. Gracie HATES to be touched, and it will cause a major meltdown. By major meltdown I mean inconsolable screaming, hitting anyone who touches her, and throwing things. I'm not even sure a doctor would be able to get close enough to examine her without Gracie being physically restrained.
The nurse finally called me back and after reviewing everything we decided to wait 3 days and to reevaluate. Thankfully Gracie's fever broke this afternoon and she's acting normal or at least as normal as she can. I am however dreading her 4 year well child checkup at the end of the month.
I feel bad because Gracie is almost never sick, In fact she's the second healthiest kid I know beat only by her sister. I almost don't know how to care for a sick child since my own children are so rarely sick. I didn't remember how often to push fluids or if you take a child's temperature under their arm if you add a degree or subtract one.
I called the nurse praying that I didn't have to take her in. Going to the doctor is a very traumatic experience. Gracie HATES to be touched, and it will cause a major meltdown. By major meltdown I mean inconsolable screaming, hitting anyone who touches her, and throwing things. I'm not even sure a doctor would be able to get close enough to examine her without Gracie being physically restrained.
The nurse finally called me back and after reviewing everything we decided to wait 3 days and to reevaluate. Thankfully Gracie's fever broke this afternoon and she's acting normal or at least as normal as she can. I am however dreading her 4 year well child checkup at the end of the month.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
The Unexpected Blessings of Autism
I was talking to a friend of an Autistic little boy a little older than Gracie. We started talking about how Autism has changed our families but also ourselves. We are completely different women and mothers than we were before we started our journeys. Here are some of the unexpected blessings of Autism.
1. I take life at a slower pace now. Gracie is not going to preform with her peers she is well below them in skills and we don't know if she will ever catch up. Most other almost 4 yr olds are busy preparing for pre k and kindergarten. They are busy learning their alphabets, number, colors, shapes and how to spell their names. Gracie is under to pressure, and we follow her lead. At this point I don't even know what her age appropriate milestones even are.
2. I've learned to savior every single victory big and small. Even if Gracie says just a single word it's more than she said yesterday. If she poops and doesn't smear it all over than I dance around the house with her. Every time Gracie looks when I call her name, or does a simple task such as throwing away her own diaper we celebrate.
3. I've learned patience like I never dreamed of before. I thought I was patient before after all I was a wife and a mother, I'd survived colic, the terrible 2s and everything in between. Then when Gracie's Autism got severe and she began to meltdown many times a day I learned patience at another level. Now instead of losing my temper on the 3rd meltdown I hold her tightly as we rock and I hum. I feel helpless not knowing what upset her but desperately wanted to give her comfort in my arms.
4. I've learned to to care what any one else thinks. A couple of years ago I would have died of embarrassment if my child threw a fit in public, tried to take off her clothes, or wanted to carry around a lone shoe. But now all of that is common place and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. Gracie is different and always will be, a person might not notice it at first glance but they will see it at second glance. I don't have the luxury of caring about strangers opinions anymore. It's too draining and my family takes ever last ounce out of me as it is.
5. I've learned how to live in the moment. Once of the most amazing things about Gracie is she lives for now. She doesn't seem to remember yesterday and she has no concept of tomorrow. If she's happy she erupts into giggles simply because she feels good about right now, or if she starts crying something right now upset her. Gracie even has mood swings where she will go from laughing to crying for no apparent reason. I'm learning how to let yesterday go with Gracie and not worry about tomorrow because I can be happy for this one moment.
1. I take life at a slower pace now. Gracie is not going to preform with her peers she is well below them in skills and we don't know if she will ever catch up. Most other almost 4 yr olds are busy preparing for pre k and kindergarten. They are busy learning their alphabets, number, colors, shapes and how to spell their names. Gracie is under to pressure, and we follow her lead. At this point I don't even know what her age appropriate milestones even are.
2. I've learned to savior every single victory big and small. Even if Gracie says just a single word it's more than she said yesterday. If she poops and doesn't smear it all over than I dance around the house with her. Every time Gracie looks when I call her name, or does a simple task such as throwing away her own diaper we celebrate.
3. I've learned patience like I never dreamed of before. I thought I was patient before after all I was a wife and a mother, I'd survived colic, the terrible 2s and everything in between. Then when Gracie's Autism got severe and she began to meltdown many times a day I learned patience at another level. Now instead of losing my temper on the 3rd meltdown I hold her tightly as we rock and I hum. I feel helpless not knowing what upset her but desperately wanted to give her comfort in my arms.
4. I've learned to to care what any one else thinks. A couple of years ago I would have died of embarrassment if my child threw a fit in public, tried to take off her clothes, or wanted to carry around a lone shoe. But now all of that is common place and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. Gracie is different and always will be, a person might not notice it at first glance but they will see it at second glance. I don't have the luxury of caring about strangers opinions anymore. It's too draining and my family takes ever last ounce out of me as it is.
5. I've learned how to live in the moment. Once of the most amazing things about Gracie is she lives for now. She doesn't seem to remember yesterday and she has no concept of tomorrow. If she's happy she erupts into giggles simply because she feels good about right now, or if she starts crying something right now upset her. Gracie even has mood swings where she will go from laughing to crying for no apparent reason. I'm learning how to let yesterday go with Gracie and not worry about tomorrow because I can be happy for this one moment.
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