Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What to Say When Your Friend's Child is Diagnosed

Since Autism is becoming more diagnosed it's very likely that you will have a close friend or family member announce that their child is diagnosed. Here is a helpful list of a few things to say and to not say.


Things NOT to Say

1. I knew someone who's child was diagnosed as they are fine now.

I hated to hear this because every child and every case of Autism is different. I DON'T know that my children will be okay.  All I know is that right now they have huge stuggles and that their future is uncertain at best. You have no idea if your loved ones child will be able to overcome their Autism.

2. God only gives speical children to speical parents

We aren't speical parents, we are just parents. I don't have special coping skills, more patience, better organization, or some secret strength. We will find a all the things that we need to care for our children, but not because we are speical but because we are parents.

3. I read that vaccines, older fathers, sparkly rainbows, etc causes Autism

The truth is that we don't know what causes Autism, and at the point of diagnosis it doesn't matter. Believe me we already go over every minute of our pregnancies and every parenting choice we ever made trying to find how it's our fault. We don't need to explain to defend it to anyone else.

4. They don't LOOK/ACT Autistic

Autistic people don't look any different and there are different levels of Autism and different kids have different mannerisms. Some might have very little eye contact, others might look away. Some kids can talk and carry on a conversation others might be non verbal.

5. They seem to diagnose everyone with Autism these days

Despite what you may have heard Autism diagnoses are NOT easy to get. Our children often wait for months to be seen by a specialist. Once they are there are often multiple observations and the child must meet a specific criteria of having severe defects in communication, social interaction, and repetitive behaviors. While the symptoms manifest in different ways they must be observed by a specialist.

6. I heard about injections, B12, laser treatment, special mud cures Autism

By the time a treatments hits the mainstream news most of us have heard and looked into the treatment. It isn't news. Believe me your loved one will explore every treatment option. They will talk to doctors, read blogs, and find all the information they can. In the end they will decide what they believe is best for their children.



Things TO say to your loved one

1. I'm so sorry

Sometimes we need acknowledgement that this sucks, it's not fair, and it just sucks. You don't need to go into great detail just some heartfelt sympathy goes a long way.

2. He/She is still the same child

When we first hear the news we are overwhelmed with all the challenges that they do and will face. It's important to hear our child is still the same child from before the diagnosis.

3. I love the laugh, sweet nature, and hugs from your child

We know so well the challenges and difficulties our children face, it's nice to hear about their speical qualities.

4.  Let's go to lunch, the spa, take a walk, etc

So many of our friends disappear when our children are diagnosed. It's like it's a disease that they are afraid their child will catch. Or that somehow that now that we have a special needs child that WE have the plague. Somehow we aren't invited to parties, girls' nights, and lunch anymore. Yes we may spend the whole time talking about our child but we need that shoulder to cry on too.

5. What can I do to best support you

All parents are different with different needs, and it's nice to be asked. Sometimes it's a little babysitting, a meal, a shoulder to cry on.

And Finally

6. Just a really big hug